Saturday, 15 December 2007

match sticks eat moths

Definitions, Rants, Fictional Dialogue, One Question with Corresponding Answer, and more, much, much more...

Public Libraries: The place where badly written prose goes when it is time for it to die.

Television: Images severed from their context and devoid of all content. Plus, there also is the immense mass of adverts in between to be dealt with.

Advertising: Nazism for people who want their names left out of History books, for obvious reasons. It is also -arguably- more profitable than warfare and the infamous I-was-just-following-orders excuse does still get you out of trouble.

EMO: Excrutiatingly Monotonous Outcries. They look so silly, don't they? Ahhh, youth.

The emo kid is at it again. The emo kid is a tit again. I hate the emo kid.

Me: Hey, emo kid! You never did the kenosha kid...
Emo Kid: Ugh?

Yeah, that's right. And never read any Pynchon either, by the sound of it.

Q: Are U.S. Presidents genetically-enhanced, super-intelligent, bionic apes?

A: Nope. Just regular chimpanzees.

Good Morning, Buenos Dias, Bonjour...

Advice For Foreigners visiting lovely, lovely London

1 - By all means, visit the British Library, possibly the quietest place in all of London. But do not, and I cannot stress this enough, (well, maybe I can) DO NOT (there, I did it) sneak in any pens, biros or any kind of ink into the Reading Rooms. And, no. Squids are not allowed either. I know. I was once caught drawing smiley faces and writing "10 out of 10" all over D.H. Lawrence's manuscripts, and it did not go down very well with most members of staff, except for this German man in a corner who kept giggling all the way through. Although, in retrospective, I think he probably was a hobo looking for shelter from the rain. Ah, lovely, lovely London.

Apparently, they did not mind my doodles (which they constantly referred to as "art" and, thus, found to be protected under Freedom of Speech laws), but they were certainly not happy about my grading system, which the found to be impartial and unfair.

In the words of a man of wisdom that goes by the name of Etienne, "that place is more fortified than Fort Knox, [and one should] study hard and avoid eye contact and not pull any faces at the librarians. Otherwise," he continues, "they will hurt you." As a very articulate post-modern poet once said, in the British Library "oxygen, graphite and literature are your only tools, they equip you well."

Be warned!

2 - Always wash your hands when visiting the loo. Ideally, wash your hands before AND after either urinating, defecating, or -in certain scenarios- doing both a number one and a number two.

Now, be very careful when washing your hands. I know that England is -technically, at least- a First World country [or Developed, if you are into being politically correct; I am not], but people here are yet to discover the benefits of having one tap instead of two. See, with one tap, any individual employing said faucet can regulate the water's temperature and -thus, if common sense is as common as it claims to be- adjust it until it becomes reasonably lukewarm. The United Kingdom, however, is world famous for having two separate valves: hypothermic and scorching. Hence, you either lose your fingers to frostbite or suffer third-degree burns from the scalding heat of the water. Either way, it will hurt. Trust me. Lovely, lovely burns.

Be warned! Again.

3 - Remember to say thank you and sorry and excuse me and please and do you mind and could I and if you say so and how lovely, even if you do not mean it. Just say it. It is a long standing tradition in England to be polite, even if -or perhaps, particularly when- you are about to fuck someone over. It is one of the most striking features of the English identity. Sound polite, it will make it easier to dig the knife in. Lovely, lovely Londoners...

Be warned! Yet again.

Thursday, 1 November 2007


An Inventory Of Unfunny Jokes, its presence here having certainly not been prompted by popular demand.

Q: How many people of average intelligence are needed to change a light-bulb?

A: Normally, one would suffice.

'Knock, knock...'
'Who's there?'
'The Doctor.'
'Doctor who?'
'Doctor Hilarious.'

A man walks into a bar with a dead duck under his arm. He goes to the counter and asks for a pint of lager. He drinks it, then pays for it, goes to the loo to urinate, comes back out again, and leaves.

Q: What is weirder than an ordinary-looking two-headed basilisk with a fetish for Victorian tea cups?

A: A weird-looking two-headed basilisk with a fetish for Victorian tea cups, clearly.

And, last, a joke from someone else's garden...

Q: What animal has four legs, but doesn't walk, and feathers, yet doesn't fly?

A: A dead cow with a feather duster stuck up its hind.

I believe that last joke was coined by a famous Argentinian comedian who goes by the name of Alfredo "El Gordo" Casero, certainly a man of genius.

Put yer glasses on, blurry eyes...

Questions With No Clear Answers, because inquiry is fun and interrogation marks are sexy...

Q: If Jesus Christ came back to Earth, would he return incognito as a real estate agent?

A: I dunno.

Q: Do we actually need TV shows in which...
a) people buy houses, in order to refurbish them, in order to re-sell them?
b) celebrities are chosen at random and lumped together into...
i) a luxurious apartment?
ii) a house with transparent walls?
iii) an island?
iv) the scorching core of an active volcano?
c) a relatively famous chef visits a failing restaurant... with hilarious consequences?
d) a suburban housewife is swapped by another into a household that is not her own?
e) an antiquarian visits different attics, finding invaluable period items along the way?
f) people are given the opportunity to win ludicrous amounts of money by...
i) answering questions on their chosen area of expertise?
ii) answering general knowledge questions with the help of three lifelines?
iii) choosing boxes at random, whilst repeating at nauseam "Deal or No Deal."
iv) traveling around the world, in some form of intellectually-deficient pentathlon?

A: Hmmm, with the exception of question b iv: no, probably not.

Q: If George W. Bush managed to clone a young Adolf Hitler, as it is clearly his intention, would he...
a) buy him cowboy outfits to wear to school?
b) raise him on a diet of Dr Pepper and salt & vinegar crisps?
c) read him Umberto Eco novels adapting their final sentences into "and then the Nazis won the war"?
d) call him "Bubba," tickle his feet, and ask rhetorically "who's the prettiest baby in Texas?"?

A: I am confused now...

Q: Why am I writing all this rubbish that is -as soon as I write it- being dumped into the massive landfill site that the internet has become?

A: Man, that was really deep... I know exactly what you mean.

Ha, ha, ha, hate you...

Ask Graeme, and he will do his best to provide you with a comprehensive answer.

Q: Dear Graeme, when disembodied voices in TV adverts for cleaning products say that said products get rid of 99.9% of bacteria... does that mean the companies do not make themselves responsible for the potentially lethal remaining 0.1%?

A: Yes, that's exactly what they mean. They also imply that, if you try to sue them, they will send hairy-chested, halitosis-suffering thugs in polyester suits to your doorstep. These men will make you regret ever having been born, sonny.

Q: Dear Mr. Graeme, a few nights ago, upon waking from uneasy dreams, I walked into my parent's bedroom and found them wrestling in their bed. George from the year above mine says they were making babies... were my parents really making love to each other so as to have another baby?

A: No, your daddy wears a condom most of the time and -whenever he doesn't- he likes coming all over your mother's face. Also, after having you, your mommy does NOT want to have any other children with your father, whose genes she now considers well beneath average. A final point, your parents no longer "make love," since you daddy keeps fantasising about your mommy's sister. But, then again, who wouldn't?

Q: Dear Graham, sometimes I feel the whole world is out to get me. I feel so alone, and I can never tell who are my real friends and who my enemies. For some reason I still ignore, most people seem to take an almost immediate dislike to me. Could you help me in any way? Please?

A: It's Graeme, not Graham, you cunt.

Cretina Fernandez de Kirchner

Ideas For TV Shows that almost no-one would want to watch

Unsociable Reclusive Writer Big Brother House

J.D. Salinger, Thomas Pynchon, Emily Dickinson's great, great, grandniece (twice removed) and method actors playing the roles of Philip Roth's Nathan Zuckerman and Don DeLillo's Bill Gray share a small, damp, badly-lit, camera-ridden cottage near some woods, outside some town, in some Mid-Western state of the United States of America, where they each write a brand new novel and avoid making eye contact / talking to each other at all costs during a period of time still to be determined. Possible between six months and eight years.

Synchronicities In Dark Side of the Moon

Pink Floyd's seminal album is played ad nauseam as the soundtrack to a number of otherwise rather dull films, making a brilliant TV show for the small hours and the big smokers. Films would certainly include -but not be restricted to- Battleship Potempkin, Gus Van Sant's remake of Psycho, Un Chien Andalou, and anything starring, written or directed by Adam Sandler.

Heroes: Post-modernity or Plagiarism?

A particularly long and dispassionate inventory of every single "source" from which the writers of Heroes "drew inspiration," including Preacher, Watchmen, The Invisibles, The Matrix, X-Men, Fantastic Four, in addition to virtually the entire catalogue of Marvel, DC, Dark Horse and any other comic book companies exiting prior to 2007.

Emo Kids: Genius or Idiocy?

A ten-second long, well-balanced, carefully composed argument consisting of Tool's lead singer James Maynard Keenan uttering the words "Idiocy, definitely." To be shown at elementary schools around the world for educational purposes.

Monday, 15 October 2007

literally speaking...

Tentative Titles for Biographies, coming to the aid of the undiscerning reader...

Axl Rose: Death of a Dilettante

No Pictures, Please: Life and Works of Thomas Pynchon

Trailer Parks and Little Sparks: The Rise and Fall of Britney Spears

He Did It First: The Art and Craft of David Bowie

Mediocrity Is Easier Done Than Said: Pete Doherty's Unauthorized Biography

Tuesday, 2 October 2007

oh my...

Couples That Should Have Been, helping us directly channel our contempt towards them:

Sting & Madonna
This way we could all simply hate one couple, instead of having to waste so much time hating Sting & Trudie Styler, in addition to Madonna & Guy Ritchie.

Paul McCartney & Yoko Ono
In my version of History, Macca would have got snuffed instead of John. John would have smoked a lot less oregano and, perhaps, written more songs.

Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt
For once, reality and wishful thinking converge.

The Edge & The Rock
They should both get out of the closet and drop the asinine pseudonyms. I bet The Edge would love to be between The Rock and a hard place.

Scott Weiland & Courtney Love
The real modern-day Syd & Nancy: an untalented twit and a crackwhore. You choose which is which, I still remain unsure.