Thursday, 1 November 2007
An Inventory Of Unfunny Jokes, its presence here having certainly not been prompted by popular demand.
Q: How many people of average intelligence are needed to change a light-bulb?
A: Normally, one would suffice.
A man walks into a bar with a dead duck under his arm. He goes to the counter and asks for a pint of lager. He drinks it, then pays for it, goes to the loo to urinate, comes back out again, and leaves.
Q: What is weirder than an ordinary-looking two-headed basilisk with a fetish for Victorian tea cups?
A: A weird-looking two-headed basilisk with a fetish for Victorian tea cups, clearly.
And, last, a joke from someone else's garden...
Q: What animal has four legs, but doesn't walk, and feathers, yet doesn't fly?
A: A dead cow with a feather duster stuck up its hind.
I believe that last joke was coined by a famous Argentinian comedian who goes by the name of Alfredo "El Gordo" Casero, certainly a man of genius.
Questions With No Clear Answers, because inquiry is fun and interrogation marks are sexy...
Q: If Jesus Christ came back to Earth, would he return incognito as a real estate agent?
A: I dunno.
Q: Do we actually need TV shows in which...
a) people buy houses, in order to refurbish them, in order to re-sell them?
b) celebrities are chosen at random and lumped together into...
i) a luxurious apartment?
ii) a house with transparent walls?
iii) an island?
iv) the scorching core of an active volcano?
c) a relatively famous chef visits a failing restaurant... with hilarious consequences?
d) a suburban housewife is swapped by another into a household that is not her own?
e) an antiquarian visits different attics, finding invaluable period items along the way?
f) people are given the opportunity to win ludicrous amounts of money by...
i) answering questions on their chosen area of expertise?
ii) answering general knowledge questions with the help of three lifelines?
iii) choosing boxes at random, whilst repeating at nauseam "Deal or No Deal."
iv) traveling around the world, in some form of intellectually-deficient pentathlon?
A: Hmmm, with the exception of question b iv: no, probably not.
Q: If George W. Bush managed to clone a young Adolf Hitler, as it is clearly his intention, would he...
a) buy him cowboy outfits to wear to school?
b) raise him on a diet of Dr Pepper and salt & vinegar crisps?
c) read him Umberto Eco novels adapting their final sentences into "and then the Nazis won the war"?
d) call him "Bubba," tickle his feet, and ask rhetorically "who's the prettiest baby in Texas?"?
A: I am confused now...
Q: Why am I writing all this rubbish that is -as soon as I write it- being dumped into the massive landfill site that the internet has become?
A: Man, that was really deep... I know exactly what you mean.
Ask Graeme, and he will do his best to provide you with a comprehensive answer.
Q: Dear Graeme, when disembodied voices in TV adverts for cleaning products say that said products get rid of 99.9% of bacteria... does that mean the companies do not make themselves responsible for the potentially lethal remaining 0.1%?
A: Yes, that's exactly what they mean. They also imply that, if you try to sue them, they will send hairy-chested, halitosis-suffering thugs in polyester suits to your doorstep. These men will make you regret ever having been born, sonny.
Q: Dear Mr. Graeme, a few nights ago, upon waking from uneasy dreams, I walked into my parent's bedroom and found them wrestling in their bed. George from the year above mine says they were making babies... were my parents really making love to each other so as to have another baby?
A: No, your daddy wears a condom most of the time and -whenever he doesn't- he likes coming all over your mother's face. Also, after having you, your mommy does NOT want to have any other children with your father, whose genes she now considers well beneath average. A final point, your parents no longer "make love," since you daddy keeps fantasising about your mommy's sister. But, then again, who wouldn't?
Q: Dear Graham, sometimes I feel the whole world is out to get me. I feel so alone, and I can never tell who are my real friends and who my enemies. For some reason I still ignore, most people seem to take an almost immediate dislike to me. Could you help me in any way? Please?
A: It's Graeme, not Graham, you cunt.
Ideas For TV Shows that almost no-one would want to watch
Unsociable Reclusive Writer Big Brother House
J.D. Salinger, Thomas Pynchon, Emily Dickinson's great, great, grandniece (twice removed) and method actors playing the roles of Philip Roth's Nathan Zuckerman and Don DeLillo's Bill Gray share a small, damp, badly-lit, camera-ridden cottage near some woods, outside some town, in some Mid-Western state of the United States of America, where they each write a brand new novel and avoid making eye contact / talking to each other at all costs during a period of time still to be determined. Possible between six months and eight years.
Synchronicities In Dark Side of the Moon
Pink Floyd's seminal album is played ad nauseam as the soundtrack to a number of otherwise rather dull films, making a brilliant TV show for the small hours and the big smokers. Films would certainly include -but not be restricted to- Battleship Potempkin, Gus Van Sant's remake of Psycho, Un Chien Andalou, and anything starring, written or directed by Adam Sandler.
Heroes: Post-modernity or Plagiarism?
A particularly long and dispassionate inventory of every single "source" from which the writers of Heroes "drew inspiration," including Preacher, Watchmen, The Invisibles, The Matrix, X-Men, Fantastic Four, in addition to virtually the entire catalogue of Marvel, DC, Dark Horse and any other comic book companies exiting prior to 2007.
Emo Kids: Genius or Idiocy?
A ten-second long, well-balanced, carefully composed argument consisting of Tool's lead singer James Maynard Keenan uttering the words "Idiocy, definitely." To be shown at elementary schools around the world for educational purposes.