Friday, 21 March 2008

Gregarious Gregarine! It's Greg!

World-famous blog spitonit salutes Greg McCool, funkiest man this side of the Himalayas.

Hello, Greg!

And here are some greg-licious factoids for all the fans!

Greg -better known as el Gregorino in the sweet, generous lands of AndalucĂ­a, Spain- fought in three World Wars, the third of which has remained a state secret for the past two decades. Greg has the body mass of twelve castrated marmots or, alternatively, eleven non-emasculated ones. Greg likes Pepsi-Cola, yet prefers Coke. But he's not fuzzy, really. Greg is so cool that -if he ever shared a stage with Liam Gallagher- he would make Liam lose all confidence, resulting in poor ol' Liam having less stage presence than the microphone stand behind which he would try to hide. Greg works out a lot, not because he needs it, but because he can. Because he wants to. Greg likes his beer cold and his women hot. Greg once met Salman Rushdie and said "I think literature is for imbeciles." Salman Rushdie agreed and courteously bid him farewell. Two hours later, Salman Rushdie was found in the gents' toilet, crying his heart out. Greg does not cry. Greg is so powerful that he could kill us all in the blink of an eye, but -for some reason known only to him- he doesn't. He once said to me "I like to watch you all running around in circles thinking there is hope." He then laughed, and I was scared. Honestly. Greg is omnipotent, but he is not showy. Daniel Day Lewis keeps calling Greg every morning, because he wants to be his friend. Greg is having none of it. Greg is believed to have written all of the Arctic Monkeys' songs, but refused to have his name included in their albums, stating "They're crap, man! Long live T-Rex...!" Greg officially changed his last name to McCool, after it became painfully obvious that he was the grooviest man in the world. Greg has a glass eye (the left one), six toes on one foot (the right one), and cannot pronounce the name Foucault correctly. Though he has never much cared for the French, anyway. All of Lou Reed's drug stories are based around anecdotes that Greg told him from his days at university. Lou Reed is actually a lactose intolerant, teetotal virgin with a wheat allergy and a spotty chin.

Gregorino, spitonit salutes you.


Anonymous said...

Do a marmot's testicles REALLY account for one-eleventh of its total body mass?

I mean, c'mon.

x.- said...

In rare occasions, they do, as a matter of fact. Indeed, the eminent Dr. Jacques Meehoff documented in the late 19th Century the anatomical intricacies and physiological complexities of the Marmota monax, also known as groundhog, woodchuck, land beaver, whistlepig or even -in certain areas of Alabama- fuzzy dick sheath 'at makes you tingle 'fore you tinkle.

How d'you like 'em marmots?